The latest reports are in — phone calls are out of vogue. Since texting has become the norm, fewer and fewer people make phone calls nowadays. This is actually quite sad, since phone calls are an underrated way to add a layer of intimacy to an impersonal interaction.
Therefore, we believe it’s time to bring phone calls back — and what better way to do that than with a list of funny things to say when you answer the phone? Not only will you bring phone calls back into style, but also bring a smile to someone’s face!
25 Funny Things to Say When You Answer the Phone
Humour is one of the greatest joys of life. It makes any situation better, especially stressful ones. For many people suffering from anxiety, making a phone call is stressful. Therefore, what better way to lighten the mood than with these 25 things to say when you answer the phone?
1. I have the money, just let him go…
If you love gangster movies, then this is absolutely one of the best funny things to say when you answer the phone. It will freak out the person on the other end just long enough for you to get a good laugh and diffuse tension.
2. 911, what’s your emergency?
Imagine your interlocutor’s reaction when they hear this on the other end. They will absolutely lose it and scramble to see whether they’ve truly dialed the emergency line. That or they’ll completely freeze — either way, fun will be had.
3. You’re gonna die in seven days. Until then, are you interested in cable TV?
This one is a double whammy. It combines the iconic phrase from the horror movie ‘The Ring’ with one of the most despised promotional calls you can receive. It will surely scare the caller for a second, before making them roll their eyes.
4. Hello, you don’t know me, but I want to play a game. The key to saving your family is sewn into your stomach. You have thirty minutes to cut it out or they die.
Another brilliant line for any horror movie lover. The Saw movie franchise is still a pop-culture juggernaut, and even those who haven’t seen it likely know the iconic lines the main antagonist, Jigsaw delivers.
It’s one of the funniest things to say when you answer the phone, especially if the caller is a fan of that spooky stuff. Just disguise your voice and let the game begin!
5. Hello? Can I get a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese?
On the long list of funny things to say when you answer the phone, this one is a classic. What better way to confuse the caller than to make them question if they’ve accidentally dialed a pizzeria?
Only to have them realize a second later that they’re the ones who should place an order, not the other way around. For fans of prank calls, this one is an absolute gem!
6. For the last time man, I told you to bury the arms and throw the body into the ocean!
Imagine hearing this line when you dial the number. It would surely make your caller panic for a second, thinking ‘who the heck did I just dial?’ They will then proceed to wonder whether or not this will implicate them in a crime. It will surely give them a real fright, and you a good laugh.
7. To Talk to a Customer, Please Press 1.
Do you hate telemarketers? Take charge of the situation and flip the tables on them then! Imagine how confused they will be to hear this. Some might even fall for the line and actually press 1 to get you on the line. It will be a creative way to teach them a lesson while putting a smile on your face.
8. Grandma please stop calling, we buried you two months ago.
On the list of funny things to say when you answer the phone, this one is a bit dark. However, it will definitely shake your caller to their core. They might even scramble to call the Ghostbusters to take care of the problem!
9. The number you are trying to reach is out of service.
Another classic entry on the funny things to say when you answer the phone. Who hasn’t said this when answering a call? It’s a creative, hilarious way to stump your caller and bring a smile to their face. Plus, it’s also a good way to dodge persistent callers.
If someone calls you over and over again, answering with this line is a good way to teach them a lesson without being rude.
More gems for movie lovers. The first Scary Movie is a product of the 2000s, but it still has massive appeal decades later. So if you’re a movie buff, definitely give this one a shot. It’s a neat little inside joke you can share with your friends.
11. Phone tag, you’re it.
Puns can be a hit or miss. They can be clever, or they can be a cheese-fest only your dad finds funny. However, if you and your family have a tradition of puns, then this is the perfect way to answer the phone. It will put a smile on your face, and bring your folks closer to one another.
12. Hello, hello, this is customer service, I’m cute, you’re a mute, pay some hoot.
More fun puns to spice up your phone calls. Again, this one is a perfect joke to share among friends and family, to show your bond and how well you understand each other. In our opinion, this is one of the more hilarious entries on the list of funny things to say when you answer the phone.
13. Hello? Oh boy, a new friend!
Now this one is both funny and wholesome. This line is ideal for callers that you don’t know, yet want to make comfortable. Plus, it’s a good way to diffuse tension, especially if the call is about something serious.
14. Sorry, she’s dead, can I have her call you back?
Alright, this one is a bit darker than the others. However, it’s still hilarious. It works especially well if you’re answering the phone on someone else’s behalf. However, be careful. The success rate of this joke will depend largely on your level of closeness with the person.
But if you’re answering the phone yourself, then this line is a freaky yet hilarious way to shake up your interlocutor.
15. City morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em.
Another hilarious yet slightly morbid entry on the funny things to say when you answer the phone. It works perfectly if you and your friends have a dark sense of humor. If the caller is a stranger, then so much the better. Imagine the shock they’ll get when they hear this line. It will definitely knock their socks off!
Is this a bit distasteful? Yes. Is it childish? Yes. But does that mean it isn’t funny? Absolutely not! In fact, it’s one of the most hilarious ways you can answer the phone and get a barrel of laughs. And the best part is, you don’t even have to wrack your brain trying to come up with clever puns and one-liners.
17. Epicenter of the universe, this is God speaking.
If you want to be cheeky, then this is one of the best funny things to say when you answer the phone. It may make your interlocutor roll their eyes a bit, but it will definitely amuse them to no end.
18. Here’s Johnny!
Another movie-buff favorite. This iconic line from Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is a pop-culture treasure. Even the rare few who haven’t seen the movie will likely be familiar with it. Therefore, it’s one of the funniest things to say when you answer the phone. Bonus points if you try to do a Jack Nicholson impression and put on a creepy voice.
19. Domino’s Pizza, takeout or delivery?
Who hasn’t thought about pranking a caller with this line? It’s a tongue-in-cheek way to subtly mess with people and make them question just how badly they messed up the number they dialed.
20. Satan’s den, what in the Hell do you want?
This one is one of the bolder, more on-the-nose funny things to say when you answer the phone. But it’s definitely effective. It works especially well with close friends, who often tease you about being devious or difficult to handle. If they want to call you devil, then embrace the title and own it!
21. No, this is Patrick!
Fans of Spongebob Squarepants will adore this iconic line. Just wait for the caller to ask for your name and reply with this gem from our favorite starfish. Even if your interlocutor isn’t familiar with the show, they will have heard this one. It’s just that famous. Plus, if you try to do a Patrick impression then so much the better.
22. We’re sorry. You’ve reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
This entry is a hilarious and wicked way to mess with people. Just imagine if they actually fall for it and start rotating the phone. It’s on par with the classic ‘is your refrigerator running’ joke that will surely elicit a few laughs.
23. Urology department, can you hold, please?
This one is both a hilarious pun and a witty one-liner all in one. It sounds official enough to scare the caller into thinking they’ve actually dialed some doctor’s office. However, if they spend a few minutes thinking about it, they will surely figure out the joke. Then, you can bet they’ll laugh their pants off.
24. Hello, Batman’s house, er… I mean Wayne manor.
Comic book fans will love this one. No, scratch that everyone will love this line because it’s Batman! It’s both a funny dig at the character and a neat joke to share with your friends. This is especially true if you’re more of a DC than a Marvel fan.
25. Ahoy, Ahoy!
The last funny thing to say when you answer the phone is the ultimate classic. This is because it’s rich in history. After he had invented the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell actually petitioned that this line be used as a way to answer it.
Ahoy was actually a nautical term derived from the Dutch word hoi, which means hello. Bell felt so strongly about the line that he used it for the rest of his life.
Then why didn’t ahoy catch on? Well, you can blame the first phone book for that one. After telephones were invented, companies would hand out phone books that not only included numbers, but an instruction manual on how to operate the device.
One of the sections included an authoritative how-to section, which stated that the standard phone greeting was hello. This is why hello became a standard greeting while Bell’s ahoy got swept under the rug.
However, if you want to pay homage to the father of the telephone, then use ahoy-ahoy the next time you answer the phone!